You know the feeling when you saw an old picture, heard a song on a radio or went to a familiar place and suddenly memories (even those you dread) come flashing back at you and sometimes, old feelings that you thought you have already bottled up deep in your recesses suddenly seem fresh anew? Well such was the case for me today. Mine came in the form of a letter.
I was rummaging through my old files this morning when I came upon a letter written for me by my boyfriend's ex that she posted on her blog. It was written almost a year ago during the time when we were still tangled up into the crazy mess that left a huge scar to us all. It was an episode in my life that, although it has taught me a valuable lesson and has given me something both tangible and intangible to grasp and hold on to, was painful and life-altering that I desperately tried to forget it (and quite succeeded...quite..). But now, suddenly and out of nowhere, a memory from the past broke the bubble that I have created for myself. Defenseless, I suddenly found myself immersed anew to the pain and anger that I have felt during those fateful times. Maybe it caught me in a bad time. For I think that if I discovered it during my normal state of being, I would have easily brushed the old feelings aside and say, so what wtf! But today, I am not my normal self. And that is why I'm feeling this crappy wtf!
Quite a long time has already passed since the things that shouldn't have happened, happened, so I was hesitant at first to talk about it here...now...because I don't think it is appropriate and relevant given that we have all tried to move on from it already. But maybe, part of the reason about this sudden surge of this blast from the past was that, the episode ended with that letter. Unfinished business as they say. Primarily because I wasn't able to say what I have to say or defend myself to the accusations that were thrown at me. I am not a war freak as much as I am not a coward. As much as possible, I stay away from those kind of things, not run away mind, but I always want to have the opportunity to defend myself. Especially when I feel that I deserve to defend myself. But it didn't happen that way. I decided to shut my mouth and just let it go.
But I think, for my peace of mind, I will say what I feel or rather felt that time. When a friend of mine sent me a copy of that letter, of course I was angry. Who wouldn't be when someone accuse you of being selfish for not allowing your boyfriend to see her vacationing ex-girlfriend who in the first place, has already met up with him 3 times in 1 week? Am I selfish because I asked my boyfriend not to see her the fourth time? or fifth? or sixth wtf? What? does she want to be with my boyfriend for the whole month that she was back in the Philippines? If she was just a normal ex-girlfriend I would have allowed them to meet up a couple of times more, for old times sake wtf, but such was not the case with her. We had issues. And during that time, it was still too fresh to just ignore it and act like nothing happened. Besides, my boyfriend and I were just slowly putting our life back together that time. I also think she was a hypocrite for saying that she doesn't want to do anything that will ruin what me and my boyfriend have and all she want was friendship when in fact, my boyfriend told me that when they met, she was asking him back wtf! That was the main catalyst why I, in her words, 'forbid' my boyfriend to see her again. So I don't think I was being selfish. More of being practical wtf for trying to stay away from 'harm's way'.
I asked my friends and even some mere acquaintances (because friends are friends and they will be patronizing and loyal so I seeked impartial opinion) if they would have done what I did (asking my boyfriend to stopp seeing her ex) if they were in my shoes. I asked because I wanted to know if I really am being selfish and irrational about it? All of them said they would probably have done what I did owing to the circumstances. They would allow them to meet up once or twice to talk about things and finish whatever unfinished business there was between them but meeting up a couple of times more is too much and is totally unnecessary. That said, I rest my case.
I also asked my friend's opinion, my boyfriend included, if I should reply to what she wrote. With this, I got contradicting replies. My boyfriend said no because for sure it would just blow out of proportion and would turn nasty again so since we were already happy, we should just leave it to the past and let bygones be bygones. Others told me to reply and air my side, especially since she wrote it on her blog for all her friends to see, with me being unfavorably judged by people who doesn't even know me nor half of the story. Personally, I really wanted to reply to her letter and say my piece, because as I said, I always want to defend myself especially when I feel that I am right. But upon giving it careful thought, I decided to heed my boyfriend's advice and not reply to the letter because I felt that the issue between us have already dragged long enough and that we all need to move on and end that chapter in our lives once and for all.
Some of you may ask why I am writing this now when it happened a year ago and I said we have already moved on. My answer would be I needed to do this so I could "completely" move on and close that chapter for good. You know what they say about ghosts coming back to the world of the living because they have unfinished business? (how lame to compare it to a ghost story wtf) Well, in essence, this is what it is all about. Settling my unfinished business. My way of letting it all go. Because years from now, when another memory of that episode showed itself before me, I could finally say, so what wtf!, coz I know that I already did what I have to do, said what i have to say, and not have regrets and what ifs. I have let it out of my chest already so I think I could close that chapter already, for good.
If she reads this, this could be misconstrued the other way. But like when she wrote that post in her blog, I just also want to say what I feel. What I said above was how I felt during that time, what I would have replied to her, and does not necessarily mean that it is still what I feel up to now. It is not my intention to start another fight. We all don't need that! This is just me seeking closure.
And so I'll end this in a happy note. I wish her well. And as for me and my boyfriend, we are happy now, and our love is stronger than ever. Maybe years from now, when we look back on our life together, we could laugh about the silly things we did, this included. =)
