Literally screamed when I heard Gwyneth Paltrow sing this song while I was watching Glee. This was one of most favorite songs and it never fails to bring out my emotions whenever I hear this.
Took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes bolder, children get older
I'm getting older too, well
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes bolder, children get older
I'm getting older too, well, I'm getting older too
So take this love and take it down
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide brought down
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe, well maybe, well maybe
The landslide will bring you down
Showing posts with label Musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Musings. Show all posts
March 13, 2011
April 3, 2010
So I drew a new face and I laughed
So, after many months, I finally got myself to blog again. I know I’m always saying that I’ll blog regularly, but I just fail everytime. But if you just know what’s been happening to me for the past couple of months or so, I’m sure you would understand. Life has just been downright crazy. And that’s an understatement even. The craziness isn’t over yet but what the heck?, let’s just keep the dice rolling baby. There’s nothing I can do about it anyway except to just let it play itself and hope to heavens that I’ll still be sane afterwards. So cheers to that!
It’s exactly 1 hour into the Easter Sunday and here I am blogging away while watching a re-run of the AI eliminations (Didi got booted out, boohoo!) because I’m all alone and the boyfriend won’t be coming home tonight. Just arrived a couple of hours ago from Tarlac where I spent the Holy Week in a very fruitful and religious fashion - sleeping the whole day! Seriously, I think the number of hours I spent there sleeping exceeded the hours I am awake. That meant less family time but I can’t help myself, I’m just so tired. T__T
In the meantime, the boyfriend will be back tomorrow morning from Bulacan where he spent his Holy Week and I just can’t wait to give him my post-anniversary gift. Uhm, yeah, we celebrated our 2nd anniversary on the 29th and I still haven’t given him any gift. So I went to the mall to buy him the overdue present but then I remembered that the gift that I wanted to give him requires that he come along with me because it needs his exact measurements. I’m not quite into buying things that doesn’t fit their recipients and just have them resized or returned if they didn’t. I’m OC that way. So I decided to forego that gift for some other occasion and just opted to buy him flip-flops instead. He’s been planning to buy one so I did him a favor of not having to shop for it himself by buying it for him. Oh, I’m such a sweet girlfriend. Hehe! He wanted Havaianas but the shop is on the annex building which means lots of walking and I’m not in the mood to walk that far and besides the mall is about to close anyway so since the nearest store is Ipanema, I bought him Ipanema instead. Beggars can’t be choosers. *evil grin* The problem is, when I got home and I checked his slippers, I realized that the size I bought was a bit small for him wtf! So what I did was I put the receipt in the box so that when it doesn’t fit, I’ll just tell him that we’ll just have to return them and get a bigger size and happily tell him that the good thing about it is that he can choose a different design or style if he wants. I’m a genius. *evil grin*
On another note, since it has been ages since I last blogged, it meant that I have yet to blog the next installment of my
It’s the height of summer here in the good ole Philippine islands. The weather is scorching hot. Everyone on Facebook has been posting pictures after pictures of their summer escapades while we poor folks don’t even have a plan on yet on where we would go this summer. The boyfriend and I have been joking on packing our things and going to Boracay one weekend but of course we both know it wouldn’t push through. We’ve just been on an out of the country trip so another expensive trip is out of the question. Perhaps an inexpensive one will do. Like the nearby public swimming pool perhaps? Uhm, definitely not! Maybe I should start researching about Anawangin or Anvaya Cove. Hopefully it won’t be that expensive considering it’s just on the main island. So I’ll keep my fingers crossed. If not, I can still rely on my company’s team building for a free summer escapade. Yeah!
May 24, 2009
Lackluster
Yesterday, while taking an afternoon nap, I had a dream about flying. In the dream, I was on-board an airplane while it was doing exhibitions in the air. Me and my companions (who were all old ladies, I don't know why) were strapped upright on the sides of the plane instead of sitting down on the plane's seats. When the plane landed, I found myself parasailing off the shores of Boracay. But instead of just parasailing above the sea, the wind blew me into the city and I was flying, sometimes landing, on the rooftops of buildings and houses before the wind blew me again to Boracay and landed safely to the sailboat.
When I woke up, I had no difficulty in interpreting what my dream meant because that was exactly what I've been thinking and feeling for days. I wanted to fly. I wanted to break-free from all these mess that my life had become. I wanted to go to a far-away place by myself for a couple of days to think things over and cry and scream endlessly and uninterruptedly and just simply take out all my frustrations and shout to the world how life can be so damn unfair! I wanted to leave everything behind and start a new life somewhere where no one knows me and no one can reach me. I wanted to simply get lost. All because I am so sick and tired of my life!
I don't know how or when I reached this point. I have become unhappy. The small things that usually bring me joy during times like these like DQ rocky road blizzard, corny jokes, Milo, chocolates, upbeat music, movie marathons or Johnny Depp couldn't even uplift my spirit even just a tiny bit. What is happening to me? How did I become so weak? I used to think that time and experience had toughen me up and taught me important lessons that I could use as weapons to defeat all my life's enemies. But now everything seemed futile. I have fallen prey to the very thing that I've been trying so hard to avoid at all costs: misery. Now, I feel so miserable. Life has lost its splendor and long as the tunnel is, I still couldn't see the light at the end of it.
The thing is: I hate my life because it is not going the way I had planned it, or liked it to be. It had come to a point where I had become tired of living it. I'm tired of sacrificing everything for other people. I am tired of being the breadwinner. I'm tired of being the only person who had to carry the burden of trying all means possible to save my family. I'm tired of being the only one who had to look for ways to solve every problem of my family. I am tired of taking care of people who are old enough and are capable of taking care of themselves. I am sick of people who do not care about us just because their life is going pretty well. I am sick of people accusing me of being selfish just because I allow myself to experience a few, rare luxuries when I am sacrificing a lot and working my butt out to provide for my family. Since when did rewarding one's self equate to being selfish? I am sick of my job or rather, I hate my job. I am tired of having to stay at this job just because I could not afford the downtime and the ephemeral unemployment that comes with searching for the perfect job. I am tired of being rejected by people I care about. I am sick of broken promises. I am sick of weak people who gives up easily. I am sick of being hurt by the people I love. I hate it that I could not do everything that I want to do because I need to work on my priorities first. I am tired of fighting for something that is just going on spiral for quite sometime. I am tired of feeling so alone. I am tired of living.
Some of the things I mentioned above concern my family. Don't get me wrong though. I love my family and I am willing to give and sacrifice a lot for them. But I am only human. I get tired too. I was just thinking, how long should I put my dreams, like starting my own family, on hold for them? Will it take forever?
I have been fretting and procrastinating and crying for days because I don't know what to do to turn my life around. There were things that I have no control over and I am just leaving it up to fate. I couldn't sleep last night so I spent it thinking. I was thinking of going away for a couple of days, all by myself, somewhere far from the city like Baguio or the beach. There, I will spend my solitude on reflections and letting go and creating action points for my life and from there, I will try to emerge a better, stronger person. Oh, if only things are that easy!
When I woke up, I had no difficulty in interpreting what my dream meant because that was exactly what I've been thinking and feeling for days. I wanted to fly. I wanted to break-free from all these mess that my life had become. I wanted to go to a far-away place by myself for a couple of days to think things over and cry and scream endlessly and uninterruptedly and just simply take out all my frustrations and shout to the world how life can be so damn unfair! I wanted to leave everything behind and start a new life somewhere where no one knows me and no one can reach me. I wanted to simply get lost. All because I am so sick and tired of my life!
I don't know how or when I reached this point. I have become unhappy. The small things that usually bring me joy during times like these like DQ rocky road blizzard, corny jokes, Milo, chocolates, upbeat music, movie marathons or Johnny Depp couldn't even uplift my spirit even just a tiny bit. What is happening to me? How did I become so weak? I used to think that time and experience had toughen me up and taught me important lessons that I could use as weapons to defeat all my life's enemies. But now everything seemed futile. I have fallen prey to the very thing that I've been trying so hard to avoid at all costs: misery. Now, I feel so miserable. Life has lost its splendor and long as the tunnel is, I still couldn't see the light at the end of it.
The thing is: I hate my life because it is not going the way I had planned it, or liked it to be. It had come to a point where I had become tired of living it. I'm tired of sacrificing everything for other people. I am tired of being the breadwinner. I'm tired of being the only person who had to carry the burden of trying all means possible to save my family. I'm tired of being the only one who had to look for ways to solve every problem of my family. I am tired of taking care of people who are old enough and are capable of taking care of themselves. I am sick of people who do not care about us just because their life is going pretty well. I am sick of people accusing me of being selfish just because I allow myself to experience a few, rare luxuries when I am sacrificing a lot and working my butt out to provide for my family. Since when did rewarding one's self equate to being selfish? I am sick of my job or rather, I hate my job. I am tired of having to stay at this job just because I could not afford the downtime and the ephemeral unemployment that comes with searching for the perfect job. I am tired of being rejected by people I care about. I am sick of broken promises. I am sick of weak people who gives up easily. I am sick of being hurt by the people I love. I hate it that I could not do everything that I want to do because I need to work on my priorities first. I am tired of fighting for something that is just going on spiral for quite sometime. I am tired of feeling so alone. I am tired of living.
Some of the things I mentioned above concern my family. Don't get me wrong though. I love my family and I am willing to give and sacrifice a lot for them. But I am only human. I get tired too. I was just thinking, how long should I put my dreams, like starting my own family, on hold for them? Will it take forever?
I have been fretting and procrastinating and crying for days because I don't know what to do to turn my life around. There were things that I have no control over and I am just leaving it up to fate. I couldn't sleep last night so I spent it thinking. I was thinking of going away for a couple of days, all by myself, somewhere far from the city like Baguio or the beach. There, I will spend my solitude on reflections and letting go and creating action points for my life and from there, I will try to emerge a better, stronger person. Oh, if only things are that easy!
January 18, 2009
It's been a long time coming..
Finally, an update...
The start of this year was crazy on my end. I literally did more than just multi-task since December up until now and sadly, I'm not seeing the end to all of it just yet. There's just too much stuff do and I honestly don't know how I could accomplish all of it before my self-imposed deadline. I call it my self-imposed deadline because I've finally decided to say adios to this company that I am working for. It's been a long time coming, believe me. But my heart is not in it anymore. I am no longer happy. So I'm leaving. At first, I thought of leaving at the start of the year... you know, new year, new job... but since it's the audit season, I decided to forego my plans until April 15th. Now, I have to add "scour for new jobs" to my long list of to do's. Well, goodluck to me.
Before the new year started, I had time alone to reflect on the life that I have lived thus far and of the things that I (still) want to do with my life and how I could live the life of my dreams. I have learned that the past 25 years, my life was littered with inconsequential, unimportant things. My life had no focus. My life was a tangent. I am living just for the present without even thinking of the future. Sure, there are some aspects of my life that are good, they may need a little tweaking in some areas, but they are good, nonetheless. And it comforts me. It comforts me that I wasn't a complete failure after all. But there is still time. And with the new year, it gave me new hope. Hope that I could still change things. I know this is waaaayyyyy too late for a new year's resolutions-slash-to do list, but since it's the Chinese New Year, I still think it's kinda appropriate.
......
So, this year, I resolve to:
1. Live healthy / lose weight.
I must admit that one of the things that my boyfriend and I disagree upon is the concept of living healthy. I would literally roll my eyes everytime he would tell me to eat fruits or go for fish and veggies instead of meat or when he would stop me from getting my Snickers bar in the grocery. Wtf! Torture, man! But since I'm a good girlfriend, I would grudgingly oblige. Haha!
This year though, I decided to finally heed my boyfriend's advice and change my eating habits. I thought that since I am not getting any younger and my family have a history of hypertension and diabetes, I must as well start living healthy before it's too late. I also started working out at the start of the year. It's like hitting two birds with one stone. I would be healthy and the best part is, I would lose weight (hello Boracay and Bohol!). Oh, I must add that I really think that I will succeed in my attempt to lose weight cause I would literally starve myself for 1 year just to afford my monthly gym membership dues. Le sigh!
2. Change the world ( lol!)
Ok. I know this is a BIG thing and that I cannot do it alone, but I really want to do my part in all this "change the world" brouhaha. Really. I do want to make a difference in other people's lives, even in my own little ways. This was one my resolutions last year that I was not able to accomplish. Hopefully, this year I would finally be able to make headway with it. I was thinking of volunteering in an NGO that helps other people and at the same time, I have interest in. Well, as they say, small things do make a difference.
3. Socialize more.
Last year, I was kinda anti-social. I love my boyfriend so much so I wanna spend most of my free times with him and I don't wanna be anywhere else but with him. Haha! Guilty. He's like a drug to me, what can I say? My own brand of morphine. So this year, I decided to, you know, live more. Like go out with my friends (go clubbing again! haha! kidding hon!), keep in touch with old friends, strengthen old ties and meet new friends. Sounds pretty exciting to me.
4. Try new things.
This is something that excites me the most. There are a gazillion things that I wanna do that I haven't tried before. Don't get me started on the list cause I tell you, its verrryyyy long. I would just blog about my progress on those things in the months to come.
5. Be more disciplined.
Something that I lack. Wtf! Haha! But I need more of this to succeed in this nth attempt on New Year's resolutions. Goodluck to me!
......
Oh, by the way, January's about to end. So what?, you ask? Nothing really. It's just that, it will be my birthday soon. Just thought you should know. Haha!
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